


Letters to a lost love

by Lanky_Beanpole14



Category: Victoria (TV)
Genre: Alfred is constantly sad, Angst, I'm Sorry, Kind of happy ending, M/M, So much angst, This Is Sad, drunk and sad Alfred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-06
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-01-28 17:22:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 3,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12611584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lanky_Beanpole14/pseuds/Lanky_Beanpole14
Summary: Alfred writes Edward letters he will never see.





	1. letter one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been a week and Alfred is devastated,he decides to let out his emotions by writing Edward a letter.

Edward  
It's been a week,only a week without your presence yet I find my heart feeling as if it has been centuries. Nothing feels right,not the bed I sleep in,nor the cravat around my neck because without you the world stops turning and everything just stands still.

At least that's how it feels,in reality everyone is going on with their lives as if you were nothing. Of course there's always the "poor Florence" and " I can't imagine how they feel" but I do. I feel the tugging on my heart when I want to tell you something but know I can't,I feel the despair of waking up every morning and knowing that you will never wake up,I feel it all,every inch of me longs simply to hear you angelic voice,see your heavenly smile and listen to your cherub laugh one more time.

It sounds selfish I know. I know they loved you in ways I never can,but I can't help but be jealous that they get to express their emotions whilst I have to sit here suffering in silence.

It's so unfair how quickly your dreams and hopes are destroyed by one simple action. How you could have been successful,how could have followed in Peels footsteps. A budding young politician like you,you would have made it,I know it. Now,however you lie 6 ft under as I write this,write it to you,the man who will never see it.

Goodnight, my love

Yours Alfred


	2. letter two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alfred feels guilty.

Edward  
I have been thinking alot recently,about us,about life,about how I'm never going to see you again. I suppose it was wishful thinking really,believing that we could ever be something. It was naive of me to think that tragedy wouldn't strike. A love like ours was destined to fail,but I don't regret anything. Kissing you in Scotland,dancing with you,sharing glances across the ballroom and laughing at the simplest things.

I do regret something. I never told you I love you. You're the one person who meant the most and I never even told you. How foolish I was,not to love you the way in which you deserved. How selfish of me to put my feelings before yours. How tragic that you'll never know how sorry I am.

Edward,my sweet,sweet Edward. I am truly sorry for pushing you aside as if you were nothing,for you my love mean everything. I just wish I hadn't wasted time, I wish I hadn't been so cruel,I wish it was me that took that bullet instead of you.

It's too late now. I cannot turn back the clocks. I cannot tell you I love you. I cannot waste away my life on wishes and dreams.

So sorry. Sorry that I didn't love you when I had the chance.

Yours Alfred X


	3. letter three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alfred escapes from the Christmas festivities.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes,I am aware of how incredibly late this is,and for that I apologise profusely. I have chapters 4 and 5 finished so they will be up tomorrow evening. In regards to future chapters,I have an ending planned out but before that a few more chapters. How long this continues depends on audience reception and how long I can come up with new ideas. So finally,after my rambling,enjoy chapter 3!

Edward

I must apologise for my absence from writing,but I have been consumed by festivities this past December. I have found myself exceptionally busy as of late but I promise I will write to you more within the new year.

This holiday season has proved to be immensely difficult,for obvious reasons. I suppose I had always imagined you and I at Christmas time, laughing in the snow like children,with such innocence and warmth.

 There is no point in putting off the matter any further,it's been eating away at me constantly,like a lurking shadow in the distance. I am engaged,to Miss coke of all people. It was quite unexpected,to be honest I had no intention of being with her, but in the heat of the moment it just felt right. She knew about you and I all along and acted as a great comfort after your passing. In the recent months she has proved to be quite pleasant company, a dear friend to me.

Miss coke's struggle to secure a husband has always been quite clear, and it felt my duty to offer her marriage. It is expected of the both of us,sooner or later I would have had to find a wife,and I much prefer it being a dear friend than a emotionless socialite. Miss coke is aware that this is purely platonic,a child would be the very limit of intimacy. This marriage is one of companionship, two friends supporting each other whilst playing the loving couple.

Please do remember my love for you, I promise this is not me forgetting you,that would be impossible. I still continue to love you with every bone in my body. My heart belongs to you and you only.

Merry Christmas Edward

Yours Alfred

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading,I hope you enjoyed. All feedback is greatly appreciated, so don't be afraid to leave any thoughts in the comment!


	4. letter four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's new years eve and Alfred feels lonely.

Dear Edward

To be quite honest with you,I fear that I'm losing the will to live. I cannot stand hearing the Queen talk or listening to Wilhelmina play Chopin any longer. It's driving me insane! The lack of your presence has driven me into a mad depression and I feel as if I'm unable to get out.

Nobody has seemed to notice my decline in personality,how the smile and charm I wear are merely masks,façades that my crippling sadness.

It's as if everyone's immune to emotion,they walk around fulfilling their pointless,pitiful roles in society,ignoring any feeling. Nobody cares about one another,every marriage is one of convenience,every child an heir to the family business,people are possessions,with the most worthy on the highest shelf.

It's unfair,how when you find someone who actually means something they get snatched away by life. Why did it have to be you,maybe it's for our sin,but i refuse to believe you are punished for love. I find myself longing for you even more as each day passes. Your touch,your smell,the twinkling in your eye and that wide boyish grin. I want it all,every single piece of you.

I forgot to mention that it's new years eve,the fireworks are popping outside. How ironic,a new year,new horizons. How ironic me telling you this when I know damn well you'll never get new horizons. Your life was cut short and honestly Edward,when you died I think you took a piece of me with you.

Happy new year Edward.

Yours Alfred

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading,I'll post chapter 5 in a few hours. I'm considering doing a Valentines day themed chapter, but I'm not sure when valentines became a big thing? Any suggestions, leave in the comments and remember all feedback is helpful! Thanks again :)


	5. letter five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alfred pleads to have Edward back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been like 84 years, can you believe im writing again.
> 
> This chapter was inspired by the song running up that hill,so I recommend listening to that whilst reading.

Edward

I feel so helpless,so empty and dull. Nothing I do numbs the pain of your absence. My pathetic cries have done nothing to help fill that gaping hole left in my heart.

I keep praying that you'll magically appear,that by some miracle you'll start breathing again. I keep pleading and desperately praying,if I made a deal with God,I'd take your place in a heartbeat

I can't stand this existents,I feel as if there is no point to life anymore. All the colour has been drained from my world,all the hope diminished.

Edward,you gave my life purpose! I woke every morning knowing I was yours and you were mine. When my eyes fluttered shut in the night, I slept knowing that despite everything,our hearts belonged to one another.

Now all I can do is count the days until I can see you again. I plead and I beg, but it's never enough, you never come back. Days,hours,minutes pass and they feel eternal, like I'm going to be trapped here forever, destined never to see you again.

Why do you never answer my calls? Or here my cries? Why must you leave me here alone? Please come back Edward, please.

Yours Alfred

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and thanks for your patience,I hope updates will become more frequent.


	6. letter six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alfred worries about his upcoming wedding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick disclaimer: When Alfred says that he wishes he were a woman, I am not at all trying to offend anyone :)

 Edward

I actually feel physically sick. The wedding is next week and I've never been more anxious in my life. The prospect of marrying her sends shivers down my spine. I finally understand your dilemma with Florence, I feel like calling the whole thing off, but its far too late for that now and besides it wouldn't be fair to Wilhelmina.

God, it's so unfair! Why? Why couldn't one of us been born a woman? We would be married by now, with children and all. We could have been so happy Edward, if only society would let it be.

I know it's ridiculous to think of you and I together and perhaps it was just an indiscretion but I can't help wondering what life would have been like. Instead, however I'm stuck here due to be married into pain and suffering. I thought this marriage would benefit the both of us but how can it? Wilhelmina deserves love, somebody who loves every inch of her, how am I supposed to do that when my heart belongs to another? When my heart belongs to you?

Edward please help me! Send a sign or a message. I am in great need of guidance and I know you can help me, you always were a wonderful advice giver.

I will write to you again soon, upon deciding what to do. I need time to think everything through, to clear my head.

Yours Alfred

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Regular updates will be continuing(yay!) I'm not quite sure how many chapters this has left,I'd say less than five. I currently playing around with other ideas for when this is over, so expect some more drumfred work soon. As always, feedback is greatly appreciated! Thanks for reading.


	7. letter seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Alfred's wedding night...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After this just two more chapters! Then (hopefully) something new!
> 
> This is supposed to be a drunk, upset Alfred, so I hope it comes across like that and not just rambling nonsense.

Dear Edward

I did it. I married her, and now I'm stuck for the rest of my sorry life. God I hate this, I hate her and I hate you. You left me Edward! In this stupid, cruel world. Without you I'm nothing, but you left me. And now I'm alone with a golden handcuff clutching at my finger.

The wedding was horrible and boring and absolute hell, but that sums my life up perfectly now doesn't it. I'm such a wreck, it's my wedding night for gods sake! I should be laying with my wife, not crying into my whiskey and writing love letters to a rotting corpse!

i'm sorry. everything's just going wrong. first you, now this, i wish i could end it all, and be with you for a while.

She wants me, so I must go, I won't write to you again, i am sorry Edward.

Yours Alfred

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Alfred, he just wants to be happy :(. Thanks for reading, and don't forget to leave feedback in the comments!


	8. letter eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alfred writes again after a very long absence. (and it appears that I do too!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pre note before actual note: I am so sorry that I haven't updated in 50 billion years, I've had horrendously bad writers block, I've been ill and I've had some personal things as well. With all that being said thank you everyone who still reads this, I hope this chapter isn't an absolute mess and I hope i'm forgiven for my prolonged absence.
> 
> Actual note:So this is the second to last chapter! And it's the last one that'll be written in letter format(oooh spoilers). I've received a few lovely comments that have really encouraged to continue writing after this so thank you I hope you enjoy letter 8!

Edward

I'm afraid I'm writing to you with sorrow, to be blunt, I'm dying. I know I probably seem to young, but it seems all those cigars and cheroots have finally done me in.

I must apologise for my prolonged absence, I hadn't realised it had been ten years until recently. You see, I had intended to possibly write again, until Wilhelmina told me she was with child. It had only happened once, our wedding night, but alas a blessed child was the result. Victoria Harriet Paget, named after two extraordinary women, and two very close friends.

Me, a father! I never thought it myself, but I'm glad it's a reality, she is my whole world, a true angel.

A small part of me wishes you were around to meet her, you know I must say for a ten year old girl she is very keen on politics and science, always debating or learning. I know you could have taught her so much.

In regards to the marriage, Wilhelmina has been a true blessing to me. I will forever remain grateful for what she has compromised for me. Despite everything, we still manage to have a agreeable relatonship and she is such a lovely friend,my companionship with her has been wonderful.

Our great queen still rules, and her and the prince are as smitten as ever. To be completely honest I am very surprised that the queen is still producing heirs, it continues to baffle me as to how they do it, when Wilhelmina gave birth, the roof nearly came down with all the screaming and shouting, she sounded like a banshee!

Well, enough of that ,how are you? That's a ridiculous question isn't it? I did visit you,for the first and final time, shortly after the birth of Victoria. It was brief, I can't deny, but in a strange way it was comforting to just be able to sit and chat. It felt like you were actually there. I find myself often tormented by your presence, the smallest of things remind me of you, from every balcony I see, and every ball I attend, you're always there, haunting me. However, I have found in recent years that it has become much more bearable to be without you, I suppose the knowledge that the more time passes, the closer I am to being with you again, has given me an almost content,peaceful feeling.

Florence found love, it took some time but eventually she settled down, in fact, I believe she has just given birth to a second son! We speak, occasionally, however I think she always knew of your predicament, and chose to embrace it. I'll admit I do feel guilty for hating her in previous years, it was never her fault, she just wanted to love and to be loved. I think were both glad that she eventually found happiness.

Drummond's bank is thriving, and from what iv'e heard your parents are doing quite well albeit, you're mother never did quite get over your loss, if i'm being honest, I don't think anyone did. Peel lives a quite life, having resigned after your death, he's forever grateful for what you did, I know he wishes it was him. Unfortunately, he was never quite able to recover, still ashamed that it was you who ended up dead. These day's he hides at home, still weary to show his face, afraid of the public opinion. It's a shame really, he's become a shadow of his former self, I know you wouldn't have wanted that, I only wish he felt the same.

Entering politics was a strange excitement for me, seeing sharp men in suits passionately rowing back and forth is a somewhat thrilling experience. Your death thrust me into politics, spurred me into keeping your memory alive, you were far too great to be forgotten. The majority of London's high society clubs may have forgotten, but those who matter certainly haven't. Your friends and your family, even the palace, me and Victoria are still close friends, and she always did show me a special kind of sympathy after you died, perhaps she knew. 

You know Edward, I never considered myself a religious person until after you died,when I started wishing that maybe I would see you again in some sort of afterlife. I clung on to that hope for dear life, it being one of the things that kept me going, and I have to say in these last few weeks that hope has grown stronger and stronger. I can only wish that when I eventually go I see you again, for if not, I would be waiting eternally for something that shall never be. 

Goodbye Edward 

Yours Alfred

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed letter 8, It was a lot longer than all previous letters so I hope it didn't drag on. Remember, feedback is always appreciated so don't be afraid to give me some advice (I probably need it) Also the final chapter should up hopefully sometime before the end of the week, if it's not then I apologise in advance!


	9. nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alfred and Edward finally meet again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly, this chapter was heavily inspired by A Familiar Heaven by oswinpxnd,so be sure to go and read that (because it's wonderful!)  
> Secondly, this chapter isn't written in letter format so I hope that it works. So, without further ado,enjoy!

This was it. Alfred Paget had finally succumb to illness. The room was deadly silent,his wife Wilhelmina lay curled up on his bed and softly cried,as his young daughter looked in through a crack in the door.

_Inevitable_

His death had been inevitable,ever since he took ill a few months prior,yet it had still sent shock waves throughout London. As she lay on his bed, weeping, Wilhelmina silently prayed,hoping he was in a better place.

***

Blue eyes met Brown as Alfred gazed in shock at the figure in front of him

"Alfred", the man slowly whispered, his eyes wide, smile even wider "Alfred, it's been so long...I can't believe it." His voice was slow and shaky, as he desperately started at the man in front of him

 _Edward Drummond_  

Alfred was completely baffled, Edward Drummond had been dead for over ten years, yet here he was, intently staring at him.

"Drum-Edward,is it really you?" He bit his lip, praying this wasn't another dream

"I could you ask you the same question". Edward smiled before looking down "Alfred,it feels like forever"

"I know. I'm sorry, living without you was torture, everyday I thought of you, it was the only thing that kept me going" Alfred looked down, tears threatening to spill on the pristine white cloth, it was then that he realised where they where. He laughed, wiping his tears away.

Edward suddenly became very concerned, "Alfred are you crying? Please don't cry, I-"

Alfred smiled whilst shaking his head "Edward, please, i'm fine. It's just, well, I've realised where we are" Edwards face softened, as he looked round the familiar room

"Ah yes, Ciros! It seems we may finally be able to continue our interrupted dinner" He beamed at Alfred, having finally got what he'd been waiting for. They gazed at each other in wonder and love, before Alfred sighed and looked away, suddenly being filled with a melancholy feeling.

"I waited for you. I sat right here and waited but you didn't show up, I thought i'd ruined everything, that you hated me" looking back at Edward he frowned "and then the Duchess informed me of-" he gulped "of your passing and I felt so stupid,for wasting the time time I had with you, for throwing it all away." He looked at the serious man sat across from him, and waited apprehensively for a response.

Edward stared off into the distance looking somewhat expressionless, whilst also looking slightly haunted

"Ed-"  Alfred began, concerned about Edward's expression, before being cut off by his hoarse voice

"It was so quick" He snapped his eyes back to Alfred's and took a shaky breath "one minute I was stood with Sir Robert, and we were happy and smiling. The bill had been passed, the corn laws repealed, we were celebrating our victory! And I, I was going to see you, Alfred, I was going to come, but then that man, he-he shouted and I saw the gun, and-and-and I don't know what I was thinking, I just acted on instinct. Then it hit me. Oh, Alfred it felt like _thousands_  of knifes were being stabbed into my chest, and then I was falling. Nobody caught me, they just let me fall. The ground was so cold and everything was blurry,but Sir Robert was at my side and he was shouting and everyone was screaming but all I could thing was-" He paused briefly and smiled at Alfred " _You,_ I wanted so badly to see you, to tell you I loved you, but I was stuck. My body was numb, paralyzed and the words got mangled and stuck inside my throat. Suddenly it was too late, I found myself slowly drifting off, the pain slowly subsiding and then it was just nothingness. It felt like eternity, and then I was here, waiting for you Alfred, _only_ for you"

Edward stopped, his bottom lip quivering as silent tears escaped him. The salty tears rolled down his face as he looked down, too ashamed and too embarrassed to meet Alfred's eye

"Please do not cry my darling" His gentle tone caused Edward to look up, Alfred was looking at him with such affection, whilst holding out a lace handkerchief. Slowly, Alfred dabbed Edward's tears away, his crystal blue eyes never leaving Edward's chestnut ones.

"I'm sorry, I have such dreadful etiquette,sat here, blubbering like a baby" he shook his head "it's ridiculous" Alfred sighed and grabbed Edwards hand, gently stroking it.

"No, Edward it's not." He kept stroking his hand which was surprisingly warm and soft "You went through a horrific trauma, there's no need to apologise." The pair shared a glance, fixated on the others eyes.

Edward darted his eyes to Alfred's lips before flicking them back up to his eyes,spontaneously Edward leaped across the table, kissing Alfred with a furious passion.

"Sorry" he muttered, somewhat sheepish, as he pulled away, before Alfred grabbed his collar and pulled him back in. They hung onto one another for dear life, desperate never to be separated again. The boys broke apart, gently caressing noses as they did so. Edward closed his eyes whilst pulling Alfred in for an embrace. They swayed together in silence, drinking in the others scent, finally reclaiming what was their's all along.

Alfred slowly separated himself from Edward, smiling as he did so. "Right, well how about oysters and champagne?" The pair laughed as they sat back down, a warm feeling in their bellies and a bright flame burning in their hearts.

Edward suddenly perked up, "You know Alfred, I believe that oysters are an aphrodisiac" he looked up at Alfred, smirking

Alfred smirked, before replying "Yes Edward I believe they are." The pair gazed flirtatiously at one another before sipping their champagne. Edward changed the tone of the conversation, moving to light chatter

"Interestingly, I don't think I've ever met anyone who enjoyed oysters, besides from you of course" Alfred quirked his head to the side

"Really, well that's a shame"

Edward bit his lip, an idea popping into his head, "Well at least all the women I've met didn't seem to find them favourable" He looked at Alfred expectantly, hoping he'd understand

Alfred furrowed his brow, before understanding Edward's word's "Well I suppose we shall never understand the fairer sex, will we?" Alfred raised his eyebrows and Edward smirked, the latter glad that Alfred had remembered something seemingly insignificant.

The pair sat in contentment for awhile, taking in the fact that they were now eternally together before Alfred reached out and took Edward's hand in his own, "Edward I know we have had our struggles and I know it has been a long time coming but I truly, truly love you"

Edward smiled and leaned in, "Well that's good because I truly, truly love you too" 

"With a love surpassing women?" Alfred quipped

Smiling, Edward took a long breath and whispered, "With a love surpassing women." The boys leaned in a pressed a gentle,warm kiss to the others lips, finally they were together.

_Eternally_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, there you have it! A MASSIVE!!!!! thank you to everyone who read this, it means the world and i'll be sure to write more in the future! I really hope this flowed well, as it was my first attempt at fanfic writing (that wasn't in letter format ) and it didn't come across as rambling mumbo jumbo, also in this afterlife they are able to cry and express emotion and stuff, which is why it feels like a human interaction. Again be sure to check out oswinpxnd and give their fic some love! Also it wasn't very long but I hope that's okay, I didn't want to ruin it!
> 
> Thanks for reading, don't forget to leave feedback and stay tuned for future work!

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed,remember any feedback is greatly appreciated,thanks!


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